Listening: Brutal by Olivia Rodrigo.
Today is the first day back at school. It was alright. I supposed I shouldn’t have expected much more. In reality, most things are banal, so I shouldn’t get overly excited for something like school, even if the latter is still better than nothing. Really the only thing I was disappointed about was the lack of schoolwork I can do right now. But I’ll become busier soon, especially when the second eight weeks starts. So I won’t complain about it.
Surprisingly enough school starting didn’t really satisfy anything. Instead it just made me more angsty and determined to get the things I really want: my driver’s license, a motorcycle, a car, a job, goddamn money. I’ve made a resolution to live as long as I can and as well as I can. I will do it. I don’t want to be sad and suicidal and depressed anymore. I’d rather be angry and alive. Whether it’s out of spite or joy or purpose, I will live. I want to be happy doing it though. So I need to work hard, not just on myself, but at school and actual work.
Another thing: I want real friends. Recently I’ve realized that I attract a certain type of people because of my personality. These people like to talk about themselves a lot (unless they’ve run out of topics about themselves, in which case they will talk about other people). I can name three people who I used to friends, casually or not, with that did this. They’re such a drain on my energy. I don’t want to listen anymore. I’m not they’re therapist, and I’m tired of being treated like it. It’s always a one-sided relationship in their favor.
Meanwhile I can name only two people with whom I’ve had good, healthy friendships with: Adriana and Marie, both of whom are currently out my life (one of them for forever). It seems the only thing these two types of friends have in common is that they always drift away from me.
Anyhow, It’s 18:30. I wonder if my package will actually come in today. I’m already tired.